everyone knows this is nowhere

I think I'd like to go
back home
And take it easy
There's a woman that
I'd like to get to know
Living there

Everybody seems to wonder
What it's like down here
I gotta get away
from this day-to-day
running around,
Everybody knows
this is nowhere.

Everybody, everybody knows
Everybody knows.

Every time I think about
back home
It's cool and breezy
I wish that I could be there
right now
Just passing time.

Everybody seems to wonder
What it's like down here
I gotta get away
from this day-to-day
running around,
Everybody knows
this is nowhere.

Everybody, everybody knows
Everybody knows.

but i don't wanna.

my friend jonny is taking over my rent and moving in for june and july. so thankful for this.

i need to pack up my stuff and be out of here this weekend. i just got home from work and don't want to pack. at all.

making plans via facebook with my friend stephanie, i see this:


very sneaky.

i don't want far. only near.

i moved to nashville for a reason. my reason was different than god's reason. i didn't know that until just recently. he knows me well enough to have brought me here letting me think it was to do what i wanted, when the whole time he wanted me to learn how easy it is to take ten steps back and need him no matter how much fun i'm having. i tend to be pretty prideful about my home, church, community, etc. my attitude has changed. i now know that i need accountability, and i need the community i had and i am humbled by it. i haven't had a clear word from god about any of the choices i've made in the past few years. this doesn't mean he's not speaking. today i spoke to my good friend trina, my old roommate in seattle. she asked me where god wanted me to be. i didn't think i'd have a clear answer. i didn't know where god wanted me to be, but without thinking, i said, "in community". and that was it. right there i knew that i needed to get to a place where i am inclined to grow closer to god and the people around me.

nashville is a great town. plenty of people call it home for a reason. it is not for me.

i do not feel defeated or embarrassed. the reason i moved here did not work out for all kinds of reasons. if anyone is disappointed in me, or if they want to say, "i told you so", then they don't matter. the great dr. seuss once said, "be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

this chapter in my life has ended. i'm ready to come home.

i have met some really incredible people here, and i will miss them so much. i will be back to nashville often.
























i could go on and on.

stay tuned.

the boomboomkats

steph, mitch and i had some whiskey and recorded ourselves hanging out in his studio.

thus, mitch created this:

debut single from the boomboomkats

balentine's day.

I've been going and going and going, spending most of my nights in friends' beds. I worked at the flower shop yesterday and today and it totally wore me out. It was fun, but the constant flow of men in love coming in and out of the shop was a bit tiring. I am never usually one to be "anti" Valentine's day, but I can't decide what's worse: working at a flower shop during Valentine's day, or not having a Valentine.

I'd really like a Valentine. Not on Valentine's day necessarily... but any other day. Maybe next Tuesday, or sometime mid-April. Maybe if I didn't smell like 3 Crow all the time, I could find a boyfriend. Wink.

Today a drunk, homeless old man hugged me, said, "Happy Valentine's Day, Baby" in my ear, and kissed my neck. Ew.

I am going to Princeton and New York in two weeks to visit Les. I really miss him, and I've never seen New York. The tickets were real cheap, and I figured I'll never live this close to NY again. Hooray.

For those of you who haven't seen the kitten video:




Also, remember Capucine? She's growing up!


Tongue twister from Capucha on Vimeo.

crotch-plowed by the boss.

I am happily over the homesick hump. Remember when I said that I was right on target with being homesick about 2-3 months into the move? Well after making detailed plans to come home in April, things started changing. I realized that I am making good relationships here, and have started to really love sweet tea. Now I am consumed with what my future will look like here... and that really depends on the job I find here. I have been looking and looking, and making do with what I can find. Babysitting, mostly. I recently found out that Blood:Water Mission is hiring an Administrative Assistant. BWM is a very cool organization that basically exists to promote clean water in Africa, and to reduce the impact of AIDS/HIV there. It was started and still run by Jars of Clay. The job description is exactly what I've been looking for, and it is a VERY special bonus that it is such a wonderful company. I applied this morning, and I know I have people praying that I land this job. I have been pacing the kitchen.

www.bloodwatermission.com




Yesterday was the Superbowl. I have never cared about football, or even the commercials during the game. Yesterday I was with a bunch of people who didn't care about the game either, but really wanted to watch Bruce Springsteen at half-time. I watched, and I'm glad I did.

...because this happened.

nein bed bugs in '09

The bug bites are aplenty. I am so glad to finally be out of the house I was in for the last 3 months. I loved the people I was living with, but the house was really bad news. Mice and bed bugs. Miserable. After losing my job at the Cocoa Tree, my friend Melanie said I could move in with her and her parents in Franklin. I jumped at the chance. It's so nice of them to let me stay in their house and eat their food. I hope I can do something really nice for them. In the meantime, I am having a hell of a time finding a job. I even went to the mall. The MALL. So please be praying that God provides a job for me. It just has to happen. It has to. I have bills that are due.

My good friend Victor Huckabee came over tonight and brought Seabass. I made a little video of him just before he fell asleep on my giant butt. Oh, that's another thing. There's an eliptical at Melanie's house! I was on it for 40 minutes today. If you know me at all, you know that is pretty spectacular.



Hooray for a clean, warm house. Please don't take those things for granted. I know I have a whole new appreciation for the little things now.

today is mine and i am his.

I have been in Nashville for 101 days. I am sitting in my usual spot in Bongo Java drinking the cheapest coffee concoction I could come up with. I am itching from bed bug bites and tugging at my favorite v-neck that has newly-chewed mouse holes around the edge. I have Craigslist minimized with the sparse listing of jobs available in Franklin Tennessee, where I am relocating to live with a friend's parents who will let me stay in an empty room for free for a little while. I lost another job. I was laid off at the Cocoa Tree, because they could no longer afford to keep me on staff. I am losing heart.

...and I am happy. In the past two weeks, I have found a new motivation to power through here. During Christmas, I had decided to definitely move home. Then I met some really incredible people that encouraged me to be intentional about my time here. I was just trying to be comfortable... to move home because it is safe and it's what I know. I will move back to Seattle sometime, I just am not sure when. I want to make sure that I am not making any decision without being prayerful first.

Please pray for me. I feel like I can not get my head out of the water financially. I am having a great time here, but I need to be in a better situation. I need peace and clarity. I have a lot of decisions to make, and I'd like to be able to make them without anxiety.

Meet Sebastian Dinosaur Huckabee... but we call him "Seabass". He is Victor's new puppy.

f. u. 0. 8.

I'd like to take this time to review 2008. The year I turned 25, got my first tattoo and moved across the country.

...wait, was that it? Did I just review 2008?



photo by ellie lonardo

benjamin button.

Tonight I went with Keegan, his sisters Kali and Timshel, and their husbands Paul and Skip to go see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I cried for a good bit of the movie. As we left the theater, all 5 of them were talking about how terrible the movie was. I told them I wept like a baby, and that I must have had other stuff going on to provoke that sort of emotion, but laughed it off. Sure, maybe the acting wasn't the best, but the story was interesting, and it kept my attention. Brad Pitt in his prime and half-dressed on the beach is something I don't mind spending $9 to see. The story was narrated in bits by Julia Ormond, who plays a daughter who is at the hospital by her mother's bedside waiting for her to die, basically. Her mom tells her about an old diary in the suitcase, and Julia pulls it out and reads it... in short, it turns out to be Benjamin's diary, yada yada. I knew I was a gonner when the mother, who was maybe around 60 or so... perhaps cancer, was slowly starting to struggle for life. She had a difficult time breathing and mentioned cotton mouth. She had a wrap on her head, to suggest that she didn't have any hair. She looked just like my mom. Sounded like her, with her heavy breathing and slight southern drawl. It was really hard for me to watch. After the movie, I shrugged it off so everyone else would assume I just have poor taste in movies, but alas, I miss my mom.








My mom, Kathy, was diagnosed with cervical cancer in July of 2002. That day, she started an online diary. She kept up with it as best she could until the day she died, October 14th, 2003, when my dad wrote the last entry. I'd like to share it with you, as I'd hate for her writings to go unread after time. I plan on making a paper journal with the entries soon. Her journey is really something spectacular to witness. She goes through all the things you might guess- fear, hope, sadness, and ultimately peace knowing she will be with Jesus.

Here is her diary.

bloops.

I was cleaning out the ol' hard drive and thought this was worth posting before I deleted it.

take 1) Blagh.

take 2) I realize that I might have forgotten that Michael is in the next room. I am suddenly nervous and embarrassed.

take 3) I am not paying attention for the first bit, because I'm still thinking about take 2.

christmas care package

my christmas wish.

I am missing home.

I would really like it if everyone sent me polaroids of them.

1008 W Eastland Ave
Nashville, TN 37206



My very very good wonderful most favorite friend, Ellie was here this past week from Seattle. We had so much fun. We took a lot of good pics that she will be uploading soon, so until then, I will leave you with this teaser:







here's a few videos that entertained me today:

1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArZRWJwKdWs
2) http://pitchfork.tv/in-the-studio/lee-scratch-perry-andrew-wk
3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMPjFVQv7vw

my christmas wish.

i want my insides back.

Today is Thursday. On Tuesday night, I went over to babysit at an undisclosed location where they had left out some dinner for me. It was delicious. Turkey-meatball spaghetti. I got home around 2am and went straight to bed to sleep. Of course, I didn't realize that my body had another agenda. I started throwing up within the hour... and kept at it... come late Wednesday afternoon, I had nothing else to give, but somehow I kept on giving. I was hugging the toilet and crying and trying to sleep on the rug in the bathroom. The puking finally let up last night and I got a little bit of sleep. Gosh, I hadn't slept in 30-something hours.

I think I am on the up-and-up, at least. I mustered up enough energy to shower and get to Bongo for some internet and juice. I'm afraid I am ruined for spaghetti.

Sorry this blog wasn't very clever or entertaining. Wait, no. No I am not. My insides want to be on the outside. I don't feel bad for you at all.

the cocoa tree.

A few things to go over before you watch this video.

1) I know I need braces. I missed that train when I had dental coverage.

2) My camera was stolen before I moved, so now I have to make video blogs from my computer, and carrying it around tends to make the videos a little... wobbly. If you experience motion sickness, vertigo, sudden numbness in arms or legs, difficulty swallowing, confusion, seizures, loose stool or if you are pregnant, you would be advised to not watch this video.

3) Emily. I have turned into Dad. Listen to how I narrorate this thing.

one mouse, two mouse, three mouse, four?!?

We have mice. I had heard this when I moved in, but I didn't see one for a month... and when I did, it was just the one, and it was downstairs in the kitchen- far away from where my room is. I didn't think much of it. This last week I have caught four mice in my room. Maybe it's because it's so warm and cozy up there. Maybe it's because I have a bunch of ramen in my room. I seem to be the only one that wants to keep them and name them and love them. It was cute when it was the one, but this morning, when my live trap caught TWO, I realized I was being infiltrated. It's not so cute now. When I start to get creeped out, I try and think of all the cute famous mice in movies and tv, and it seems alright.
















...you get the idea.

i love mail.

chocolatown, usa.

I really wish I could just go to bed and wake up 2 weeks from now when I have gotten a paycheck from all my recent hard work and my phone is turned back on and I can at least afford some ramen noodles. It is humbling to say the least. I spent my last bit of change yesterday morning that I had to shake out from my bobble-head moose bank. I am ready to be done with this lifestyle. It's easy to get down when you can't afford even one meal, but somehow, I am happy! I really love my new job at the chocolate shop. It is full time and hopefully permanent. Also, I finished the window displays for the flower shop. I'll have to get pictures up soon.

Here are a couple of my favorite truffles that we make at the Cocoa Tree:




And here are a couple that I'm excited to try:




If you live in Nashville, you'll have to stop by and try something. At least sample the Mayan hot chocolate. It's really thick, and made with smoked chile peppers!

In other news, I've been knitting again. I am working on an olive green ribbed scarf for my friend, Joe. After that, I plan on making some of those cowl neck warmers. Ooh, also, I made some yarn plum ornaments for the flower shop, and they are going to be for sale! Another thing I need to get a picture of.

I just saw some pictures that Emily uploaded. Jack is so photogenic:



And here is a jumper that I had knit (originally for Olivia) for Ava, but never got around to putting straps on. I left it for Emily when I moved, and she got some ribbons and buttons and finally put it on Ava yesterday! Hooray!



Back to knitting.

on the up and up.

Things have started to turn around a bit, I think. Although I am notorious for speaking too soon, I am excited about the job situation that I think I'm falling into. I picked up some shifts at the flower shop doing Christmas decorating and window displays, and have also started working for a chocolate shop that is opening in Germantown. It's called The Cocoa Tree, and I found out about it through my roommate, Joy, who is friends with the owner, Bethany.

I don't have much to write today. I'm happy I'm in Nashville. It has gotten really cold the past week or so. It's a different cold, though. It's nippy... not wet cold, like Seattle. It feels like Christmas.

Oh, Christmas! Keegan has invited me up to Indiana to spend Christmas with his family. I'm really excited about it, and glad that I won't be moping around here instead.


I really wish my camera hadn't been stolen right before the big move. I would love to be uploading all kinds of pictures. Urgh. Patience.

I finally made it to church on Sunday. I went with a friend who just moved here from Seattle. Her name's Linsey, and she's a real "hoot". We went to the Anchor. I really really enjoyed it. It's so much smaller than I'm used to, but there was something about it that I liked a lot. Of course, I can't make a call on if I'll end up there or not, but so far so good, and I plan on making it back there on Sunday. So far what I picked up from the Anchor that is different from Mars Hill is this:
- Mars Hill's mission is to reach out to Seattle, a city populated with people who may have never known Jesus.
- The Anchor is in Nashville, a city populated with people who at some point have had an experience with God. So from what I understand, it is trying to renew the hearts of Christians who have either gotten comfortable, complacent, have turned away, or have become involved in mixed-up theologies. It is trying to create authentic & genuine community again and renew real relationships with Jesus.

I am also excited to announce the first Trader Joe's in Nashville! It is everything it should be, except apparently Tennessee has a law about not allowing wine to be sold in a grocery store. So forget Charles Shaw. Poor decision, Tennessee. You really blew it.

This is a great brick wall painted downtown.